After all my talk about trauma, I should at least mention that I’ve suffered through a lot. To state it as clearly as possible, I was not a happy child, but the atmosphere could has been much worse. I had 3 major traumas back then, but if I spelled them out for you I think I’d be missing the point, because I’d be making villains out of people who don’t exist as they did back then. I’d just be making myself the victim, and complicating the lives of people I know learned their lessons. Together though, those events gave me an occasional tremor with complicated triggers, and a noticeably heightened level of nervousness. I did not deserve what I got, and I’m still standing, and I do not accept the energy they directed at me as part of what I am. We all need to learn that we are above what happens to us. Those traumas, however, are a major reason I withdrew as a child, and focused on a more internal path to understand that which people don’t like to think about. I was under the impression I wouldn’t make it to age 20, because it was a throwaway life to me for a long time. It’s always taken me a long time to fall asleep, always being vexed by some pain, and through that problem, I learned a lot about existing just within ones own head. I would lie so still that I would lose reference to the size of my body, or the sheer distance between my hands and my head on my pillow, and meticulously examine all feelings and sensations down to the feelings we are so accustomed to we don’t notice them. I’d hear every creak and click and air pressure change in the silence of the house, the frogs outside, the cars on the roads, the dogs in the distance. Sometimes I would try to focus on as much of it as I could at once. Meditation is something that I couldn’t avoid, not something I particularly like to do. It took several years and the love of a good woman before I was able to change my outlook on a more permanent basis, and sleep came easier, although I shouldn’t have needed love to be comfortable existing. Love took me a step further than comfort, and I contribute all forms of my success to love, it’s truly is a supernaturally powerful force that definitely makes strange things happen.
The Vocanic Weird 