#51. Dreams That Break The Rules Part 2

I have to drop a trigger warning, This entry is about what’s basically a graphic suicide dream.  It was the summer before the start of my junior year in High School.  Shenanigans ensued and I lost my virginity to a girl I knew.  As the summer was fading into fall, things between the two of us had gone sour.  After feeling like I had gotten over it, I was sleeping one night in the camper that was basically my room at the time.   I was dreaming of a small log cabin in a forest with very little underbrush, and many tree trunks shooting up all around.  I was standing by a large woodpile, stacked between two of the trees, and there was a shotgun sitting across the top.  I looked up and saw her, standing there by the cabin door, holding a newborn child.  The attitude wasn’t sad or dark, but I looked at her and said, “If I gotta I gotta…”  It was as if I dropped in on a scene in progress, and I simply grabbed the shotgun, put the end in my mouth and fired.  I remember feeling the force of it in an instant, the top of my head was gone, evident by the feeling of the air moving through the gaping hole.  I slumped to the ground, and was seeing from up through the hole.  She was standing there, the same content expression, and the child wasn’t even fussing.  I laid there twitching, as she faded into red.  From what I understand, I wasn’t supposed to get this far, I was supposed to wake up as I fired.  Not to mention the psychological implications of the dream, I had to take a real hard look at myself and figure out what parts of the dream I should be worried about and what parts I shouldn’t.  Sometimes a shoe in a dream means commitment or something, and I’m not dismissing that concept, but I hold firm that sometimes a shoe is just a shoe.